I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Isn’t
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”