No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese