My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?