“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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security at the airport getting more straightforward
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.