My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts