I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂