[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Oops
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Every work call, he judges.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Not all heroes wear capes….
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married