5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Is your wife single?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!