genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You Might Also Like
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”