I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?