Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
How it started How it’s going
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.