Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
motivation
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Don’t forget to tip your server
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password