[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You Might Also Like
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.