What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh