Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
new career option?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf