An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement