*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.