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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!