Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
For anyone who needs this today
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”