My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
How funny!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming