There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
You Might Also Like
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???