I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
You Might Also Like
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.