The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
pat pat
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.