Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
You Might Also Like
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Natural selection at its finest
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me