Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Body by sandwich.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo