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Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know