Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..