BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me as a therapist: omg same
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face