my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
There are usually two types of merchants.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.