February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Pretty certain I can more drunk
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?