[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
You Might Also Like
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
@ candidates for local office
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace