I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
What about second breakfast?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt