first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*