If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
(more comics:
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?