“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao