Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you need a laugh.. 😅
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.