“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…