My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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english majors be like furthermore
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Come back with a warrant
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles