HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You Might Also Like
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Autocorrect completely socks
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
More like Kate Missington.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”