Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
no one ever comes back
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Ghost costume 😂
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
still the best tweet of the year by far
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits