My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?