Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.