I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.