Well, that should do it
You Might Also Like
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.