I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Snapes on a plane.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan