My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles