YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
what’s really going on
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
🤣🤣🤣