Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Cheers Twitter.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move