detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.