The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?