My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You Might Also Like
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.